I’m concerned about a family member. How do I talk to them about it?
Initiating a conversation with your loved one about their mental health isn’t easy. But it can make a big difference.
PALS (Prepare, Ask, Listen, Support) is a simple acronym to help you get started:
Prepare
It’s important that you feel ready and are in the right headspace.
Have a clear idea of what you want to say before you say it. Don’t be afraid to make some notes and practice different responses.
Be prepared for the conversation to not go as expected. Your loved one might not be ready to talk, or may express difficulties that are more serious than you anticipated. Both reactions are possible, and valid.
Timing is key, so choose your moment; asking as soon as they walk in the door, or during the dinnertime rush might not yield the best results.
Ask
Start by asking how they are feeling. It might sound simple but approaching them, and being willing to have the discussion shows you care.
Use open-ended questions to encourage conversation. It can help to point out changes you have noticed:
- “You’ve seemed a bit quiet lately. What’s on your mind?”
- “I’ve noticed that you’ve been sleeping a lot. How are you feeling?”
- “How are things going?”
- “We’ve both been busy lately and I feel like we haven’t checked in with each other for a while. How are you?”
- “It seems like you’ve been really down recently, and I’m worried about you. Are you ok?”
If they don’t want to talk, or minimise their problems:
- Avoid a confrontation. Pushing people to talk when they’re not ready can cause more harm than good.
- Reiterate the changes you have noticed, and that you’re concerned. Let them know that you’re here if they ever want to talk. Encourage them to talk to someone else if that’s easier.
- Get help if you’re worried about your loved one. A mental-health professional can give advice and provide you with support.
Listen
Sometimes the most important thing you can say is nothing. Give your loved one the opportunity to talk, and really listen. Pay them your full attention, it sends a powerful message that they are not alone. Resist the urge to jump into problem-solving mode.
Instead, listen and validate their experience by:
Asking clarifying questions:
- “So things have been really stressful at work. Have I got that right?”
- “Can I just check – are you saying -?”
- “It sounds like this might have been going on for a while. Has it?”
Reflecting back what they are saying:
- “That sounds really hard”
- “That would be difficult to deal with”
- “You’re really frustrated”
- “I think it’s really understandable that you feel sad”
Support
Remember not to rush into ‘fixing’ your loved one. Once you have a good understanding of their situation, ask what you can do to help.
For some people, listening will be enough. For others, practical support might be needed. Be guided by their response.
If appropriate, it could be a good time to make a plan. This shows them that you are in this together. Brainstorm some short-term goals. Ask them what they have found helpful in the past.
Some simple things that can improve mood include:
- Exercising
- Eating regularly
- Going to bed earlier
- Socialising- even if it’s just texting or calling at first
- Carving out ‘me time’ – for relaxing, reading, gardening, journaling, DIY jobs, etc.
- Avoiding alcohol and other drugs
- Encourage them to talk to other family and friends. Ask them how they feel about seeking professional support.
Before you end the conversation, invite them to keep checking in and get permission to do the same. Some days will be better than others, and your support on the difficult days could make all the difference.